Oh my gosh, when you scroll on TikTok, it's all you frickin see. The queer community is so deeply affected by Uhauling, but it isn’t healthy, and we’re going to get into why.
Let's define it. Uhauling is something that isn’t really about the timeline, it's more about the intention. People always ask us, “Is two, three, four months too early to move in together?”
And the thing is, when we're talking about the timeline, specifically, it's not. Two people who are absolutely ready for a serious relationship and have the intention of staying together long-term can move in together whenever it feels right. Uhauling isn’t defined by what exactly the timeline is. It's when you feel like you're moving quicker than your emotions are because you’re afraid of losing a good thing.
Relationships are all so different, and there's no right or wrong way to really go about creating a relationship as long as each partner is having their needs met and communicating openly. If you feel like you're in a relationship and you are moving at the right pace for you, no matter the timeline, it's totally cool. But Uhauling is more than that, and it ends in disaster for a lot of queer couples.
Let's just say, for example, you are two months into a relationship and you are like, “I want to propose to this person.” Maybe you're really feeling like it's too soon, but you are worried that if you don't do it, they’ll leave you or you'll be alone forever.
Most of our clients are well into their 30s or 40s or 50s. They're definitely looking to settle down, and a timeline to them could look drastically different from someone in their 20s. So it’s possible that an older adult would be comfortable with a faster relationship timeline, but when you’re rushing it just because it feels like your last chance at love or you’re scared you won’t find anyone better if you lose them, the intentions behind your actions aren’t what they should be.
We've done it, and we see it all the time, but it’s one of those things where it's just not sustainable. You're telling somebody (that you don't even really know) that you want to be together forever out of fear. We always tell our clients that you’re actually robbing someone of the opportunity to show you who they really are when you move so quickly. You jump into the deep stuff without taking the opportunity to know and be known in a way that would set the foundation for a truly strong bond. We’re excited to give a little explanation for what that really looks like.
It takes time for someone to show you who they are. When you already have this idea of them in your head, you get so attached to it, and you put on those rose colored glasses. You skip over all the red flags because you're so attached to the idea of love. You’re ready to find the one. You’re ready to be in a relationship. So you ignore the parts of the relationship that may not be in alignment because you’re tired of dating.
I (Keely) remember one woman, specifically, that I was talking to, and I had just gotten out of a really long relationship. I knew I shouldn't have put myself back out there, but I couldn't handle the feeling of being alone. I was just very, very nervous about losing this person. It was long-distance to begin with, and I was saying things that I knew I didn't mean because I was so afraid. I needed someone.
And it’s so easy to feel pressured from society to have a relationship. You think, “All my friends are getting married and having kids, and I feel like I need to catch up.” It can be really hard for people to release this pressure that drives us into these relationships that aren't a good fit. You stay with people a lot longer than you're meant to and you find yourself wondering, “Will it really get better than the person sitting in front of me?” Maybe because you haven't had good relationships before and this feels just a little bit better than before. There are so many different situations that can lead you to this point of racing into relationships and continuing to move through milestones that you may not actually be ready for.
We’re so glad that we get to support people and show them that there is a way to calm your nervous system down when you get into a new relationship and go into it level-headed instead of becoming overwhelmed with the excitement. Because what happens when you give into the excitement and go all in too soon? That doesn't work. If you ever get to a point when you're not feeling aligned with them, you’re more likely to brush it off. You just don't want them to leave your side.
Look at our relationship, for example. We don't feel like we need to be together 24/7, but it started like that. We had to revisit many of the things that we thought were normal. At the beginning, we were afraid. A healthy relationship felt foreign to us. There's a very big spark now, but it didn't feel like that at first, and it was because we didn't know each other. We gave ourselves time to get to know each other, and our relationship has gotten so much stronger and there's a solid foundation because, even now, years and years later, we're getting to know each other.
Dani said something on one of our afternoon walks, and it was so cute. She said, “Isn't it wild that I'm still falling in love with you more and more every day?” We realized that we are always getting to know each other. It doesn't matter how long we've been together. We're going to always be getting to know each other on a deeper and deeper level. That's what it looks like to build a life with someone and break free from uhauling and insecurity and fear.
If you're thinking back to one of your past failed relationships, remember that we can learn so much from every single relationship. What are the signs that you missed that maybe it wasn't a right fit? I want you to check in with yourself. Have the relationships that you’ve been in felt like they were coming from that intention of wanting to truly get to know this person or the intention of needing to make sure that you don't lose this person? You've got some work to do to break these patterns, but that's okay. We all have to go through these different phases and unlearn the unhealthy relationship patterns that may have kept us stuck for a very long time.
We’re here to support you. We use Somatic Attachment Therapy and Life Coaching principles to help you understand your emotions and feelings and how they all play out in these actual situations. We help our clients feel so confident in themselves and know exactly how to slow things down and feel in control. If you’d like more support, visit our website to learn more about how we can help you on your journey.
We truly love working with people who are ready to invest in themselves and take this seriously so they can move into the next part of their life. It'll be hard work, but, as you know if you're reading this blog, there'll be some laughter and fun in between all of it. We can’t wait to get to know you can't wait to be a part of your journey.
Loved this blog? Check out our Uhauling episode on the Coming Out Happy Podcast.
With Love,
Dani & Keely
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