Members of the LGBTQ+ community, especially lesbians, have a reputation for moving too quickly in new relationships. Twenty-four-hour-long dates and “uhauling” are common in the queer dating scene, but that doesn’t make them healthy.
It’s natural to get excited at the start of a new relationship. When you’ve wanted love for so long and never thought it was possible for you, the idea that it could work out like a romantic comedy is exhilarating! The thing is, real life is not a romantic comedy, and if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
A relationship is only as strong as the foundation it’s built on, and if your foundation is nonexistent, your relationship either won’t last or won’t be healthy. That’s why taking it slow at the beginning of a relationship is so important! It lets you create a solid foundation based on mutual trust, respect, and an understanding of each other’s shared values.
We want to give you the tools to identify when a new relationship is moving too fast, so you can take a step back and remind yourself of the need to build a strong foundation.
That’s why we’ve created a list of the top 10 signs your relationship is moving too fast!
You are convinced that they are perfect.
It’s totally fine to get carried away in how awesome your new partner is. During the honeymoon stage of a relationship, it’s normal to fawn over their amazing qualities. However, it’s not healthy to put your partner on a pedestal, thinking of them as this perfect being who can do no wrong.
If you’re thinking of your new partner as a deity with no flaws, it’s time to take a moment to remind yourself that they are human just like you, and no human is perfect.
By thinking of them as perfect, you’re only setting yourself up to be let down when they inevitably make mistakes.
It’s unfair for them, too, since they should never have to live up to those unrealistic expectations.
You are still thinking about your ex when you are with them.
This one seems obvious, but nearly every member of the LGBTQ+ community can say they have either started a relationship while they were still hung up on their ex or know someone who has.
If you haven’t healed from your past relationships, you won’t be able to give your new partner the love they deserve.
In fact, you may find yourself projecting old feelings from your past relationships onto them.
A great way to avoid doing this is by asking yourself why you want to be with your new partner. If you just want someone to love you to replace the love you lost, then you may need more time to heal from the past before diving into something new. Ultimately, you know yourself best, and it’s up to you to determine how long it will take for you to be ready.
The romance is over-the-top all of the time.
Most relationships start out with date nights, kind gestures, and showing the other person you care in creative ways. Consistent over-the-top gestures, though, can be a telltale sign of love bombing.
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic used to isolate someone from their friends and family and make them fully reliant on one person for affection and love. If you find that you or your new partner are consistently using grand gestures to win affection, it may be an early sign that something is wrong in the relationship.
We talk more about love bombing in our article, The Truth About Love Bombing.
You put your real life on the back burner.
Part of being in a healthy relationship is building a life together. That doesn’t mean starting from scratch — it means the merging of your already existing lives.
In a healthy relationship, each person is able to maintain their individuality while intertwining their lives together in a way that meets both of their needs.
Sometimes this calls for compromise, but it should never cause you to forfeit your life for the sake of tacking yourself onto someone else’s.
If you find that being with this person causes you to ignore your friends, family, or responsibilities, you have to reevaluate if you could actually be happy with this person long-term. Are you willing to forego your own goals and the people you love for them?
You skip over red flags.
You may not be the type to see their new partner as perfect, but that doesn’t mean that you’re seeing them as they are. The excitement of a new relationship can be blinding, especially if you desperately want it to work out.
Oftentimes, people ignore or make excuses for a new partner’s red flags, assuring themselves that those qualities aren’t that important or aren’t a problem at all. Sometimes people convince themselves that they can change those qualities, but that almost never happens.
You have to listen to yourself. If something feels off about the person you’re with, lean into that feeling and determine the source. Don’t try to convince yourself that they will change, because they probably won’t.
You must assume that the person you are getting to know now is the person you will be in a relationship with in the future.
You like the idea of love more than them.
It can be hard to admit to yourself that you’re just lonely rather than really falling in love with this person. You may find that you love the attention and affection you’re receiving, but when you take a step back to look at your new partner, you’re not as excited.
It’s unfair to them to stay because you love the idea of love, and it’s unfair to waste your own time with a relationship that you know isn’t going to work out.
Wanting to be loved is not a reason to stay, and forcing the relationship won’t end well for anyone.
You feel anxious to reach all these relationship “milestones” quickly.
A common feeling within the queer community, especially for those who came out later in life, is that you won’t find love because time is running out. Another common feeling is that there just aren’t enough LGBTQ+ people to go around.
The truth is, a healthy relationship is a partnership, created by and maintained by people who are willing to stand by each other and put in the work to make each other’s dreams a reality. You can’t make a relationship like that with someone who is obviously not on the same page.
Our question is: why would you want to stay in a relationship that you aren’t happy with when you don’t have to?
If it’s not working, accept that you can’t force a relationship to work, and that this person just isn’t right for you. You need to evaluate why you’re staying in relationships that don’t serve you…and if you don’t get to the root of the, “Why,” you’ll continue to attract this same type of person over and over again.
You don’t know anything about their friends or family or you’ve met their friends and family before you were ready.
Meeting your partner’s friends and family is a big deal, and you have to be ready to create a connection with them when the time is right. If they either avoid bringing you around their friends and family altogether or have forced you to meet their friends and family before you are ready, that’s a major sign that there is a disconnect between your values and what you expect from your partner.
On the one hand, you want your partner to introduce you to their friends and family when your relationship begins to grow more serious. If they never show interest in having you meet the people they love, that is a sign that you may not be as important to them as they are to you. However, if you are not ready for that yet and they make you feel like you have no choice, that shows that they do not respect your boundaries and needs.
The person you love should listen to you when you communicate your feelings to them, not dismiss you.
You’re spending all of your time together.
This is another thing that comes naturally in the beginning of a relationship. You are so excited about this new person that you want to spend every waking moment getting to know them more.
If you find yourself spending all of your time with them, and you come to ignore your other responsibilities, it’s a problem.
Isolating yourself from the outside world in favor of spending time with your new person is not a healthy way to build a relationship. What happens when you have to go back to reality and you can’t spend every day together? Will they get jealous of the other people in your life? Will they make you feel guilty for not spending so much time with them? You have to set your expectations early on in the relationship.
Another huge issue here is that when people move too quickly in a relationship, making the other person their sole priority, people usually, “lose themselves,” in their partner. They lose their own interests, friendships, hobbies, and sometimes even values, because they’ve engulfed themselves in someone else’s identity. This is so common, and many of our clients come to us after a breakup like this trying to rebuild their own identity again.
You’re making huge life decisions.
Possibly the most important sign that your relationship is moving too fast is if you are making huge life decisions before ever really getting to know the other person. The decision to move in together, get married, move to a new city, or anything else that will hugely affect your life is not something to take lightly and requires thought and planning.
Jumping into a huge commitment right away, no matter how you feel at that moment, is not a healthy way to start a relationship.
It’s important to talk through big decisions with your partner and determine if you are really on the same page regarding these big moves.
Creating the life and relationships of your dreams isn’t easy, but knowing the signs of moving too fast in a relationship can save you time, money, and heartache. Before you can get there, you have to heal from the past and be sure that you are ready for a relationship at all. Remember, until you take a look within, you will continue to attract this same “u-haul” situation until you finally break the pattern — which isn’t easy on your own! Let us support you on this journey so you can finally break toxic patterns for good.
Dani & Keely
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